how to forgive

[nini]

A former friend who has been almost a sister to me for 20 years: when her husband died a few years ago, I tried to be there for ever, even accompanying her to grief group.

Then my daughter-in-law died two years ago, a horrible death due to cancer, and my fried J. promised to be there for me and subsequently almost completely ignored me. I felt hurt and abandoned and when I told her, she said I had hurt her feelings and refused to meet with me for dinner with another friend.

Now I have begun counselling for depression and been advised to stay away from J as she is so negative and I need to be with positive people. I do not want to forgive her - she hurt me and when I tried to speak to her, she acted the "victim". But I must forgive for my own sake. All I can feel is that I am better off withher heer (as my counselor says) and while I do not wish her any ill, I do not want to se or speak to her again. She has made me feel unloved and disrespected and not good about myself. Since I have removed her from my circle, I feel better about myself. Is what I feel anywhere near the beginning of forgiveness. I am not feeling so hurt and so uncared about since I have stopped contact. Am I on the right path to forgive?

I would appreciate any input or insights. Thank you - nini

[srigdon]

My thoughts:

(1) Forgiveness does not mean you have to suffer more. It doesn't mean you have to continue putting up with the same old bad treatment. It doesn't mean you have to let someone continue to harm you so they can be forgiven again.

(2) Forgiveness is a lot easier when you're in the position that the injury isn't hurting you as much any more.

[bostonian]

Let it go. Forgive her her trespasses. Pray for her. You'll feel better too.

[Swick]

It's very hard to forgive someone, especially a close friend, when you feel betrayed or let down by your friend. From what you've written you were a good friend to her, while she, for some reason, was not there for you.

Forgive her, for your own peace of mind, and pray for her. As long as you're angry or nursing a grudge, you will remain emotionally tied to her. Forgiveness doesn't mean allowing her back into your life if this is something you don't want, but staying angry will only poison your own soul, while forgiving will lift what sounds like a burden.

[mewg]

Consider the burden of guilt she is feelingas is evidenced by her avoidance of you

[nini]

the feedback i received since i posted here has been a very great help and i thank everyone for their caring